June 1st, 2005

With new people come their problems...

I wonder if I have problems...Sometimes I think I must...you know
after all I have no relationship...NO job...I used to be the best
student in my class...now I don't even go half the time...I miss
extrinsic motivation, a quiz or test everyday...a reason to go...
but then these people with desire..the need to be doctors, to travel,
to be loved...I could just sit here and listen to people's problems
and listen to Bon Jovi all day...It doesn't matter if I'm "dead or
alive"...and I'm always thinking:

And nothin' gets me down
You got it tough,
I've seen the toughest around
And I know
Baby just how you feel
You've got to ro-o-oll with the punches and get to what's real

Cuz it's true...People don't know that that sometimes...you just
think...

Ah, might as well Jump (Jump!)
Might as well Jump
Go ahead and Jump (Jump!)
Go ahead and Jump

But I think I've had my share of problems...Sometimes when I wasn't sure
if I'd wake up the next day...because I didn't want to...angry and bitter
spilling blood in front of loved ones till the ambulance took me away...

Desperate to be accepeted to be loved but understanding that I would
only be loved by one who could sacrifice, never give up, care sometimes
more than I do.

So isn't it the case that you just stop doing things...Class isn't
important, i'll find the notes, I can pass cause it's multiple-choice,
I won't ask that girl out, they always say no, i shouldn't apply for
that job, it's too good, settle, content in mediocrity, the sadness dull,
at least it's not razor blades and sleeping pills.

And people come to me and maybe talk about a dog, or going to Austrailia,
and their sadness...And it saddens me...It saddens me that they are sad,
that their families don't understand, careless or selfish or worse
hopeless, And yet I have a family that has cared, remained loyal,
friends who give me a lump in my throat when I consider who I have been,
and how their friendship never wavered...a courage under fire...And so I try
to listen...to empathize..to be a friend...I do it because friendship
kept me alive.

But it saddens me that I don't have their dreams anymore...The expectations
of continued excellence in academics replaced by a backup plan...Winning
competitions and awards replaced by days of depression...

What happened to my memory...i used to know stuff...maybe sadly I don't
care about remembering things...possibly Google is to blame...Why do
I joke too much...Is it healthy to hide my past...it certainly isn't
pretty...but then again if I met someone they would have to know...I tried
telling people right away...but I think I've stopped telling anyone any
of my problems...I know that is true...It has happened from an early age...
Lying to my father to avoid a beating...testing to be honest immediately
and still getting the same beating...you should get a lesser beating...Lying gives you days delay before the torture...but hiding problems started early...fear is no way to live

Anyway that was not what I wanted to talk about when I opened the
journal up...It just seems everyone haas problems and I was wondering why
I don't care about mine...However...

Does anyone of how to fund study overseas? My friend haas been accepted to
a university in Austrailia to get her teaching degree, she is already
gradutated from York. She needs quite a sum of caash for the trip...I
was hoping for ideas...
  • Current Music
    Jump - Van Halen